| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Dan Jacobs |
Posted - 25/05/2012 : 20:37:43
So... I've finished the first draft of my novel, it's just over 92k words.
I have two questions for the people on this forum who are great with the English language.
1) The books title is 'Rich or Poor? a lottery winners adventure. I think I'm right in saying that the word 'winners' should be 'winner's'.
2) I have a few people working on the books cover. I need to know whether or not the use of brand logo's are allowed? An example is that I have a Ferrari and a Lamborghini - if I were to have the logo's in view, would I be in trouble?
Thanks
Dan
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| 50 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| WendyB |
Posted - 02/06/2012 : 13:42:06
Absolutely Luke. Though you may not like or read the magazines, if they pay you for your work, does it really matter? We can all aspire to be greater than we are, but have to be realistic enough to recognise the level we are actually at. An opening is an opening whether its Take A Break, The Lady or The Tatler, their money is all equally useable. |
| mully |
Posted - 02/06/2012 : 13:40:29
quote:
Originally posted by thedrumcrew
I won't say too much about the look or sound of them
Stephen |
| luke3030 |
Posted - 02/06/2012 : 12:54:01
quote:
Originally posted by Dan Jacobs
Thanks Wendy, and thanks Kevin. Both points duly noted.
Wendy I do think that's a great idea, I'll look into what the local library can offer and I'll also look into writing short stories, I know I'd enjoy that. Is it just stupid magazines like 'take a break' or 'heat' - that sort of thing? I know you didn't get on with 'Rich or Poor', but my new novel is completely different. I'll send you what I've done so far, I't isn't much but hopefully you'll see the huge difference in writing style, and I hope the words flow much better as told from a narrative point of view. Feel free to hit the delete button, but It would be interesting to know if you find this more pleasing to the eye?
Kevin I actually joined that site a couple of years ago as my brother met his current wife on there, he seemed to get replies every day but for some reason I only got a handful, and I won't say too much about the look or sound of them, the main issue in my life is somehow getting back the ability to play again.
If I can land this job next week, the money is terrible but at least it means I can claim less from the council, the company are huge and have offices all over, so I should be able to move to Yorkshire, Brighton or Wales where the music scene is 'hopefully' much better, and do my best to gain students - this will give me a much better chance of saving up for a kit again in the quickest amount of time. Oh... about the date nights, I seriously don't have the confidence for that kinda thing right now, but I like the idea ;) Given time it's a possibility!
That have thousands of readers every week. Yes Dan, pretty stupid arent they....
Whats the harm in trying it. |
| nick65 |
Posted - 02/06/2012 : 00:54:12
I know from experience Dan that living in an rural area seriously limits your opportunities,and without transportI just couldn't function.
So moving to an area with more going on,ie cities or big towns makes lots of sense on various levels,jobs,networking,musical situations ad infinitum.
You are inspirational,certainly on the level of 'bounce back ability' keep on doing what your doing,take the positive comments,advice here on board and ditch the rest.
All the best with your endeavours,something I'm learning with time is that you/they can't keep a good man down....
|
| thedrumcrew |
Posted - 01/06/2012 : 21:34:22
I won't say too much about the look or sound of them,
Dan there the best ones Good luck with what ever you do |
| Dan Jacobs |
Posted - 01/06/2012 : 20:12:42
Thanks Wendy, and thanks Kevin. Both points duly noted.
Wendy I do think that's a great idea, I'll look into what the local library can offer and I'll also look into writing short stories, I know I'd enjoy that. Is it just stupid magazines like 'take a break' or 'heat' - that sort of thing? I know you didn't get on with 'Rich or Poor', but my new novel is completely different. I'll send you what I've done so far, I't isn't much but hopefully you'll see the huge difference in writing style, and I hope the words flow much better as told from a narrative point of view. Feel free to hit the delete button, but It would be interesting to know if you find this more pleasing to the eye?
Kevin I actually joined that site a couple of years ago as my brother met his current wife on there, he seemed to get replies every day but for some reason I only got a handful, and I won't say too much about the look or sound of them, the main issue in my life is somehow getting back the ability to play again.
If I can land this job next week, the money is terrible but at least it means I can claim less from the council, the company are huge and have offices all over, so I should be able to move to Yorkshire, Brighton or Wales where the music scene is 'hopefully' much better, and do my best to gain students - this will give me a much better chance of saving up for a kit again in the quickest amount of time. Oh... about the date nights, I seriously don't have the confidence for that kinda thing right now, but I like the idea ;) Given time it's a possibility! |
| thedrumcrew |
Posted - 01/06/2012 : 19:48:58
If i was in your postion i would go to them date nights a cheap night out and if you take it as a bit of fun you could meets friends.
I really like reading your posts because you never seem to give up you may come over on here as being low but next week you with think of something to keep you going.
I wish you the best not luck as i don't think you need luck you just need to try for a bit of fun first.
My mates on Plentyoffish its something like that my mate said  I swear i have never been on it but its free and theres loads of people that just want to talk to others for fun so he says. |
| WendyB |
Posted - 01/06/2012 : 15:01:45
Dan, can you channel your creativity into writing short stories and trying to get them published. There are loads of magazines always looking for new writers, maybe not necessarily fiction either. Could you write an amusing article about a visit to the job club, for example? Something to make people smile and yet highlight the apparent hopelessness of the situation. Unfortunately you will need to do lots more research to find the right outlets but it may be worth a shot. Look into creative writing courses in your area too, which will help greatly with your style and expand your range of ideas. If you are unemployed, it may even be free. Summer courses will be starting soon, try any and everything. You have nothing to lose and knowledge to gain. |
| Dan Jacobs |
Posted - 01/06/2012 : 10:50:57
Thanks for the reply Ed. I'm actually based in Felixstowe, and I really do want to move asap. |
| crafty |
Posted - 01/06/2012 : 09:31:06
Dan. Good luck with the book. Really - I mean it.
Don't dwell on the past - particularly when it comes to family. You can't pick your parents and no doubt they did the best they could for all of you. Regard them as fallable people, just like you and me. They would've made mistakes just like mine did - and as I have, but here we are. You have today and tomorrow, you have your health and you have state support while you get back on track. And yes, you should be using every available opportunity to find work and further yourself, because work isn't just about money, it's about your place in society, it's about mental and physical health and general life-progress. You've got to keep going and something will come along.
What do you do with yourself in the evening? If you're on your own, the evenings can be long and unfulfilling. It's good to get out. I think you said you lived in Hastings. Why don't you pop along to see these guys and get in a meditation group..
http://hastingsbuddhistcentre.ning.com/
It's donation-based, so a few quid (or even a pound) every Thursday wouldn't break the bank. I can't recommend it enough. It pulled me out of a very difficult situation 4 years ago. It questions how you look at yourself and everything around you. All the best.
Ed |
| Dan Jacobs |
Posted - 01/06/2012 : 00:32:31
quote:
Originally posted by mully
quote:
Originally posted by thebeaver
I can see Dan's point. There's just not one single encouraging post for him here. All snidey remarks and critasism. said in jest or constructivly maybe, but would it kill just one of us here to say "what I like about the idea is...". The thread's just littered with doubt for it and almost none of us have read any of it other than the briefest of plot overviews.
Which is why no-one can say "what I like about the idea is...".
With respect - it's NOT all snidey remarks and criticism. Loads of us have offered Dan help and advice over the years, and been very supportive of his efforts, but I'm certain that I'm not the only one who thinks it gets a bit wearing when the advice and good wishes get ignored and/or thrown back in one's face all the time. I'm the only guy on the forum that bought his book, as far as I know, and I'm certainly not prepared to take any criticism or be seen as some sort of bad guy here with regard to Dan. I've done my bit, many times, as have many others here.
Stephen
I appreciate your comments, BUT, sometimes the help offered i.e. 'Just get out there and play,' or 'get into a band and life will feel good again,' doesn't help in the slightest when the person offering the help has no idea of the reality of my situation! I know you are all good guy's, well most of you, but it's like I've been cornered with no musical weapons to throw myself back out there again. Two years of not playing drums is a long time, and a large part of me DOES feel as though I must be cursed for some reason. Being one of fifteen children and having zero encouragement with anything due to religious far beyond the line parents, 1,000 flyers delivered to detached houses, posters in shops and not a single enquiry? All I can do is my best. I want nothing more than to get out there and gig again, I loved the feeling of playing the drums in front of a crowd, I knew what to do and how to control everything, but now it's far more difficult than most envisage, those who have access to transport, money... friends who can help. With none of that the uphill mountain is a hefty one to climb by yourself, and with parents telling you to 'give up and do something else', what is the 'something else?' I do feel like I was born to be a drummer, I always used to tap on everything at school but had to wait until my early twenties before I could afford my own drum kit. Now I find myself trying... really trying to do something else. Applying for ten jobs everyday and not hearing back does get soul destroying, I have an interview next week which is the first positive piece of news in a hell of a long time. It isn't ideal, not by any stretch of the imagination, but if I can do a good job, then perhaps I can slowly turn things around. Although being realistic, it's minimum wage so would take years and years to save for a decent kit, by which time who knows where I'll be? Maybe it is best to move somewhere else? I know I'm a very good teacher and have the knowledge to help others reach their goals, but to move you need funds, and that's where everything spirals back down to needing help again!
I've been used far more than most, I'm sure, even putting six bands together for an agency I won't mention to work abroad cost me hundreds of hours of work, answering and sending thousands of emails, recording, editing, and what did I get from it? - another debt of hundreds of pounds which I still owe.
I feel like I should be a drummer, but the way history has panned out so far, perhaps I should cut loose and forget all about the music industry and focus on something completely different?
The 'job club' I have to attend every week just makes me feel like an even bigger loser, I guess averagely I should be waking up at mid-day, shoving a pizza in my face and watching Jeremy Kyle to stimulate my senses? I don't have a TV, and couldn't care less about computer games, so I fill my time with trying to sort things out, and as every day passes, the difficulty becomes more and more as the frustration builds...
What would you do?
|
| thebeaver |
Posted - 01/06/2012 : 00:05:34
quote:
Originally posted by mully
quote:
Originally posted by thebeaver
I can see Dan's point. There's just not one single encouraging post for him here. All snidey remarks and critasism. said in jest or constructivly maybe, but would it kill just one of us here to say "what I like about the idea is...". The thread's just littered with doubt for it and almost none of us have read any of it other than the briefest of plot overviews.
Which is why no-one can say "what I like about the idea is...".
Yet plenty of people are saying what they dont like about the idea (Plot sounds too familiar, characters are cliche, don't like the title, don't like the idea of first person...), why exactly can't anyone say what they do like about the idea. Even if you really really don't like it, he's a mate, at leased deliver the news in a dogshlt sandwich way or something 
And Stephen, when I said there's not a single encouraging post "here", I meant this thread, not the forum. |
| mully |
Posted - 31/05/2012 : 23:41:18
quote:
Originally posted by thebeaver
I can see Dan's point. There's just not one single encouraging post for him here. All snidey remarks and critasism. said in jest or constructivly maybe, but would it kill just one of us here to say "what I like about the idea is...". The thread's just littered with doubt for it and almost none of us have read any of it other than the briefest of plot overviews.
Which is why no-one can say "what I like about the idea is...".
With respect - it's NOT all snidey remarks and criticism. Loads of us have offered Dan help and advice over the years, and been very supportive of his efforts, but I'm certain that I'm not the only one who thinks it gets a bit wearing when the advice and good wishes get ignored and/or thrown back in one's face all the time. I'm the only guy on the forum that bought his book, as far as I know, and I'm certainly not prepared to take any criticism or be seen as some sort of bad guy here with regard to Dan. I've done my bit, many times, as have many others here.
Stephen |
| Dan Jacobs |
Posted - 31/05/2012 : 23:24:17
Thanks |
| Dezzie |
Posted - 31/05/2012 : 23:06:30
quote:
Originally posted by StormBlast
I'm just impressed by the writing of 92000 words.
'kin right. i'dve lost the will to live after the first 5,000. |
| StormBlast |
Posted - 31/05/2012 : 22:16:23
I'm just impressed by the writing of 92000 words. |
| thebeaver |
Posted - 31/05/2012 : 22:09:55
I can see Dan's point. There's just not one single encouraging post for him here. All snidey remarks and critasism. said in jest or constructivly maybe, but would it kill just one of us here to say "what I like about the idea is...". The thread's just littered with doubt for it and almost none of us have read any of it other than the briefest of plot overviews.
Have none of you heard the phrase "don't judge a book by it's mikedolbearforumpostoverview" before?! |
| Dan Jacobs |
Posted - 31/05/2012 : 15:29:03
quote:
Originally posted by Rocket
What's the Job, Dan?
Fireman!!
Not really, It's only part-time, 24 hours per week visiting the elderly who want to remain at home, just washing up, hoovering, shopping etc., probably quite a rewarding job!
I've been painting my parents house every weekend for the last few months in exchange for their tatty old banger of a car, so now all I need is insurance and I'd need to pay for my own CRB which is £44, but I really hope I get the job just to keep me busy. |
| Rocket |
Posted - 31/05/2012 : 15:17:03
What's the Job, Dan? |
| pure_rock_fury |
Posted - 31/05/2012 : 15:13:04
quote:
Originally posted by beezerk
I ain't seen any novel questions yet.
Shoestring's was pretty novel. |
| Dan Jacobs |
Posted - 31/05/2012 : 14:58:42
My job interview is next Thursday 7th at 2pm, please if you could all keep your fingers crossed that'd be great |
| logic_user99 |
Posted - 31/05/2012 : 14:51:55
quote:
Originally posted by mully
You're here because you want to be here, same as the rest of us.
Never a truer word spoken, Stephen. |
| mully |
Posted - 31/05/2012 : 14:28:57
quote:
Originally posted by Dan Jacobs
Thanks Tom,
In all seriousness I'm only writing for enjoyment at the moment. Apart from job searching, there's not an awful lot to do, so to pass the time I'm writing, I just want to get better and do the best I can.
Apologies for my post above, but it just gets on my tits that any thread I start turns into a 'slagging off Dan' session.
Oh come on, Dan, no it doesn't. Nearly everyone tries to help you out in every thread you start with bits and pieces of advice and relevant experiences. And you know there's quite a bit of dark humour on the forum, we all have a bit of (sometimes vicious) banter with each other. Sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's not so funny, but none of it will do anyone any harm. To be perfectly honest, the first thing I thought of when I read "good-looking nerdy blonde/clumsy with thick glasses" was Scooby-Doo. It just popped in to my head and I was GOING to comment on it in what I hoped would be a humorous fashion but then I decided not to.
Why create a new profile at all if the forum distresses you? You're here because you want to be here, same as the rest of us.
Stephen |
| Dan Jacobs |
Posted - 31/05/2012 : 14:14:34
Thanks Tom,
In all seriousness I'm only writing for enjoyment at the moment. Apart from job searching, there's not an awful lot to do, so to pass the time I'm writing, I just want to get better and do the best I can.
Apologies for my post above, but it just gets on my tits that any thread I start turns into a 'slagging off Dan' session. |
| mully |
Posted - 31/05/2012 : 14:13:15
Have you ever written anything before apart from drum-related articles, Dan?
Stephen |
| logic_user99 |
Posted - 31/05/2012 : 14:09:29
Daniel. Don't rise to the bait. Nobody will, really, take anything you do post seriously if you keep on jumping on every 'sideways' comment (as you see it).
Regardless of your writing style or quality, I really think you should consider carefully what you are writing for. It does sound like you're serving up quite a 'standard' tale written in an awkward style that might not appeal to a lot of people. All this aside, I hope you meet whatever goal you are reaching for. |
| Dan Jacobs |
Posted - 31/05/2012 : 14:04:50
quote:
Originally posted by Me2.
Sounds like Michael Carroll has his parents abducted in the Scooby Doo Mystery van and the villan is called Scorpio. Dirty Harry then gets a slap from some down-an-outs in beverly hills for peeking at Hot Mary through a window - while standing on some bins... I'm betting Meg Ryan is the climax at the end - OMG!
Listen...Why don't we both just agree to never post in any thread started by each other. Any possible words of encouragement seem right at the bottom of your list whenever I'm concerned, so please refrain from saying anything at all. |
| Me2. |
Posted - 31/05/2012 : 11:28:49
Sounds like Michael Carroll has his parents abducted in the Scooby Doo Mystery van and the villan is called Scorpio. Dirty Harry then gets a slap from some down-an-outs in beverly hills for peeking at Hot Mary through a window - while standing on some bins... I'm betting Meg Ryan is the climax at the end - OMG! |
| Rocket |
Posted - 31/05/2012 : 11:08:45
quote:
Originally posted by Dan Jacobs
Thanks for the heads up. I guess you'll just have to wait until the book is available, as I do think it has a lot of potential. The guy who wins the lottery is 19 and in his last couple of months at college, so his friends step in to help him, one of which is extremely clumsy and wears thick glasses and another is a beautiful blonde girl who is a seriously nerdy characterpThere are a few twists along the way, and everything comes to a head in the final chapter.
A lot of re-writing is needed before I do anything else with it.
Wow! A real break from the usual stereotypes |
| beezerk |
Posted - 31/05/2012 : 10:56:30
I ain't seen any novel questions yet. |
| Dan Jacobs |
Posted - 31/05/2012 : 10:54:39
Thanks for the heads up. I guess you'll just have to wait until the book is available, as I do think it has a lot of potential. The guy who wins the lottery is 19 and in his last couple of months at college, so his friends step in to help him, one of which is extremely clumsy and wears thick glasses and another is a beautiful blonde girl who is a seriously nerdy character. There are a few twists along the way, and everything comes to a head in the final chapter.
A lot of re-writing is needed before I do anything else with it. |
| gaz farrimond |
Posted - 31/05/2012 : 10:03:56
I agree with Rocket with the limiting factor of first person narrative: One thing to watch out for in first person is the over-use of the letter 'I' as in I saw, I did etc.
|
| gaz farrimond |
Posted - 31/05/2012 : 10:01:14
I finished my first book this morning.
I think I'll start reading another one tomorrow!!!
OK, I'll get my coat.....
|
| Rocket |
Posted - 31/05/2012 : 08:36:43
Interesting, but I wouldn't particularly say unchartered territory if I'm honest Dan. I've seen/read similar plotlines.
The aspect of it being in the 1st person is interesting, but my first thought would be that this would be extremely limiting. How does this give any scope for development or a storyline away from the central characters own thoughts and his interations with the kidnappers? I don't see how there can be any narrative or development without the main character being involved. I suspect would get tedious for the reader and also restrict any tension build up - I would say with a story like this (and as I say, I've read similar) the excitement comes as we (as the reader) flit between the two involved parties as they desperately try to do something, both unaware of what the other is doing.
Also, I would say it needs a different title - it almost sounds like the autobiography of a real life lottery winner whose gone on to lose everything!
I don't mean to be over-critical and obviously I haven't read it - these are just my thoughts from what you've said so far.
|
| shoestring |
Posted - 31/05/2012 : 08:12:56
quote:
Originally posted by Dan Jacobs
It all takes place in America, and is written in the first person. A guy wins the lottery, his whole family have been seriously poor forever, so he buys a huge house, a Ferrari and then in the middle of the night his parents are kidnapped. He is given seven days to pay pretty much all the money he has left, $5million, and is told to keep his cell phone on him at all times for further instructions. If he calls the cops or contacts the media his parents will be killed.
Within two days he has a terrible car crash leaving him in hospital and his phone is smashed to pieces.
Surely he still has the Sim card Dan?
|
| Dan Jacobs |
Posted - 31/05/2012 : 06:58:37
It all takes place in America, and is written in the first person. A guy wins the lottery, his whole family have been seriously poor forever, so he buys a huge house, a Ferrari and then in the middle of the night his parents are kidnapped. He is given seven days to pay pretty much all the money he has left, $5million, and is told to keep his cell phone on him at all times for further instructions. If he calls the cops or contacts the media his parents will be killed.
Within two days he has a terrible car crash leaving him in hospital and his phone is smashed to pieces. |
| benjisonfire |
Posted - 30/05/2012 : 21:08:00
whats it about? winning the lottery and having a terrible life because of it? |
| docadiddle |
Posted - 30/05/2012 : 14:34:24
quote:
Originally posted by Captain Bubble
As Bazarre says, also the word Novel means it is a fictional work, a story, so saying "Fictional Novel" is like saying "a circular circle".
Use an apostrophe to indicate possession: Dad's hat. (the hat belongs to dad)
Way back in time it was "Dad, his hat" but the "his" was shortened to just the "s" and the apostrophe replaced the "hi". Apostrophes show that letters have been omitted.
If a word indicates a plural (a meeting of Dads, TVs for sale) then there is no apostrophe.
Correct, ie should not be one in logo's (your original post, Dan).
Hopefully just an aberration and not too many in the full manuscript. Might be worth checking.
Good luck with the project.
|
| Dan Jacobs |
Posted - 28/05/2012 : 21:57:13
Nope. Needs too much editing to be readable. |
| Rocket |
Posted - 28/05/2012 : 20:10:49
I too will have a glance if you like this week dan, I'm spending a couple of nights in so will give a couple of chapters a go. |
| mully |
Posted - 28/05/2012 : 19:36:46
Dan, do you want to send me a copy? I'm a fast reader.
Stephen |
| Dan Jacobs |
Posted - 28/05/2012 : 18:53:23
quote:
Originally posted by WendyB
I've tried a couple of times to read your novel Dan, but am not having much success finding the time to read (I have got further than page 9 though). I will PM you separately with more comments when I have had an opportunity to read further. I must admit that I am struggling with it, simply because the style of writing is not one I would normally read and its not sitting well with me.
No problem Wendy, feel free to stop reading if it's not your thing. It's only the first draft, and after reading dozens of pages on various writers Blogs, I now realise that first drafts are usually pretty terrible, it's the re-writes that slowly shape the story into the author's vision. I guess I shouldn't have sent anything out until the first couple of re-writes, but that's history now.
I have all the year 12 students at a local school designing the cover as a media project, the winner will be credited in the inside cover, and will also receive two free copies of the book.
Carry on reading it IF you want to, but don't worry if it isn't your bag. |
| crafty |
Posted - 28/05/2012 : 17:28:21
quote:
Originally posted by WendyB
I've tried a couple of times to read your novel Dan, but am not having much success finding the time to read (I have got further than page 9 though). I will PM you separately with more comments when I have had an opportunity to read further. I must admit that I am struggling with it, simply because the style of writing is not one I would normally read and its not sitting well with me.
You should hear his drumming. (boom, tish).
Ed |
| WendyB |
Posted - 28/05/2012 : 12:13:24
I've tried a couple of times to read your novel Dan, but am not having much success finding the time to read (I have got further than page 9 though). I will PM you separately with more comments when I have had an opportunity to read further. I must admit that I am struggling with it, simply because the style of writing is not one I would normally read and its not sitting well with me. |
| Rocket |
Posted - 27/05/2012 : 19:41:27
It's printed on A1 |
| mully |
Posted - 27/05/2012 : 18:03:53
quote:
Originally posted by Dan Jacobs
Just call me a rubber ball!
Barry, your email sounds really interesting.
I have finished the first draft, but my sister has taken 5 hours to read the first 9 pages :) - she's a slow reader!
Five hours, nine pages...are you sure she's not blind?
Stephen |
| mully |
Posted - 27/05/2012 : 11:45:25
Oh, and don't call me Shirley.
Stephen |
| mully |
Posted - 27/05/2012 : 11:38:22
quote:
Originally posted by Me2.
Rich or Poor
A Whiners Adventure
Surely.
Saucer of milk for table 7, please.
Stephen |
| Me2. |
Posted - 26/05/2012 : 18:07:30
Rich or Poor
A Whiners Adventure
Surely. |
| pure_rock_fury |
Posted - 26/05/2012 : 18:05:23
Oh, I meant to include in my first post that, yes, the correct grammar is as you assumed:
Rich or Poor? A Lottery Winner's Adventure
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